Summer Schvitzing: A Guide for Summer Survival

Well… it’s Summer.

Summer = Sunshine.

Sunshine = Heat.

Heat = Sweat.

It doesn’t matter who you are (unless you are Roger Federer) you will perspire when the mercury hits 100 degrees. Some more than others, but that’s life.

Just because it’s going to be a 100+ degree day doesn’t mean you give up! Drawing from the highly motivational speech in the movie Independence Day (“We will not go quietly into the night, we will not Vanish without a Fight!”) there are ways to combat the summer temperatures.

Personal Changes

• Attire- It would be silly to wear a fur coat in the summer, but why is this thought process only applied to the extreme weather conditions? During heat waves, wear a dry-fit golf shirt. Still business appropriate yet it increases your overall breathability.
• Undershirts- It boils down to this simple equation: 2 > 1 . Undershirts are good. But you may think “But two layers is hotter than one!” Well, yes. But if you concede and accept that you will be a hot mess, then two layers is harder to show your grossness than one.
• Start Cold- Rather than nuking yourself and your apartment by taking a piping hot shower, go with a cold shower. Benefits:
• 1- Core body temperature will start lower
• 2- A warm shower will heat the apartment

• 3- You aren’t killing baby seals…. I mean, you are using less energy.
• Summer Hair Cuts-
• Boys = Buzz cut
• Girls = ? (not my area of expertise)

Environment

A major component of your ability to cope with the heat, is understanding your environment and adjusting from there.

• Find the source of coolness
• Subways- the AC in NYC subways are uncredible (unblievable + incredible). NYC Subway’s AC is the Robert Horry of ACs. Not appreciated, very reliable, clutch in the heat (pun intended) and a proven winner. The AC is spewed from the center of the ceiling. Positioning yourself as close to there as possible.

• Metro-North (NYC)- the AC comes from the ceiling but is pointed towards the window so the slanted ceiling pushes the cold air to the edge of the car. Sit in the Window Seat!
• Transportation
• Walk vs Other

• Walking in 100 degree heat is the equivalent of jumping into a shark tank after bathing in chum for several hours. Sometimes, it is a necessity though.
• Know your route- If you have to walk, take main streets and plot a course with as many major stores and grocery stores as possible.
• Major Stores (Best Buy, Bloomingdales, radio shack) pay a premium on massive AC units. When you walk past their door, you are hit with a blast of coolness. NOTE: The best is the DSW Shoes in Union Sq.
• Grocery Stores- Climb into the frozen food freezers and relax for a hot second. It will feel glorious
• Local vs Express Train
• The more time you are with Robert Horry (NYC Subway AC) the better. Defer to local train in ALL occasions.

• Other
• “If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!” Very smart quote. Order in your food.

The only other option is to move to LA where always awesome weather.

If I had a Bar...

Warning… the first little bit tends to be a little thicker than the ending…

Well… Last weekend, it was a blitz of birthday parties. And with any birthday party, the birthday guy/girl/person/people generally does a comprehensive search for a location that has the best drink specials. Drink specials imply drinking; drinking implies drunk; drunk implies a greater chance of stupidity… for good and for bad.

At one of the bars I attended, I chose to swim up river, against the current and ordered a Red Bull instead of an alcoholic alternative. The bar tender first hesitated and asked “Red Bull and what?”… I respond with “Red Bull and Ice, please.” With a confused look the bar tender served me up a red bull + ice in a tiny little glass. A quick scan of the room made me realize that I was the only person with a tiny little glass. After the red bull + ice, I ordered another drink: water. Again, a tiny little class.

It was apparent that non-alcoholic drinks have different glasses than alcoholic ones. For a myriad of reasons this is baffling.

Is the small tiny cup equivalent to the Scarlet Letter? (Yes, I read that book... Yes, I was one male vs 14 females in the class. Yes, 100% of males in the class disliked the book) Does someone deserve to be singled out simply by not-drinking? Has the social norm shifted so violently, that someone who doesn’t drink is immediately out casted? This isn’t the first time where a bar has treated a non-drinker differently. I have seen bartenders in Vegas chastise and ridicule someone who ordered soda instead of alcohol… Who knows… That person may have a history of alcohol dependency in their family.

(In a Rodney King/LA riots voice voice) Can we just all drink from the same kind of cup???

DONE- That was my societal rant…

Well… At some point, everyone has either had the conversation of “If I were a teacher, I would be the coolest teacher ever” or “If I owned a bar, it would be the sickest (Editor’s Note: unsure if I have ever used “sickest” in this context) bar ever!”

The establishment would evoke my past and present in every detail. No, No… it wouldn’t have Raiders flags all over the place… just a discount for any patron that can name the three other runners that were on James Jett’s Gold Medal 4x100 Olympic relay team.

Here is some more info:

• Name: 16-Twenty (Throw back to the good ole fraternity house in college)
• Location: Lower East Side (NY), Inside the Loop (Chicago), Venice (LA)
• Menu- ALL APPETIZERS & FINGER FOODS
• Pigs in a Blanket w three different dipping sauces
• Sliders
• Chips + Guac
• Mini Crab Cakes
• Dumplings (Provided by Schulweis’ restaurant)
• Shark Bites
• Personal Sized Bundt Cakes
• Peanuts (you will 100% be allowed AND encouraged to throw the shells on the ground)
• Atmosphere- Any bar of mine would have outdoor space with water misters in the summer.
• Gimmicks
• Any one that recreates Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump giving Lt Dan ice cream will get 5% off.

• Every night at midnight, Hail to the Victors will play.
• Fox Sports West/PrimeTicket will have a dedicated TV showing SoCal sports.

That is my vision… Chill + relaxed + fun. AND NO BATHROOM ATTENDANT!

Fire Alarm... Grab What?

Well... Last night at the convenient time of 4:30 am, i heard the intrusive sound of a fire alarm. I quickly (as quick as possible in a sleep induced haze) computed the chances that it was actually my building and the answer was Zero percent. Two minutes later, young gregory knocked on my bedroom door and said "Dude, do you not hear our fire alarm?" and my response 'Uh? I thought it was the building next door." (Editors note: the building next door is actually a fire station, so if their fire alarm was going off, then the entire block would be in trouble... Thus, I still should have evacuated and the fact i didn't do anything was on the less intelligent side of things).






So in my early AM quickness, i had to figure out A) is my building on fire, B) check my phone to see if the Lakers won, C) determine what i should be bringing with me if the building was on fire.

So i brought: My computer, My Passports (US and Swiss), and my Yankee Tickets.

So on the train ride in this AM, i actually really thought about it... if i had to run out of my apartment and could only carry a couple of things, what would i bring...


Here is my list in addition to the three previously mentioned items:

• My authentic Michigan Helmet (i would leave the building wearing it - in case stuff is going to fall on me)


• Favorite pair of Roots sweatpants (They will be my go to sweatpants until i'm 75)


• My head & back scratcher (even if the apartment burns down, i will definitely need my head & back attended to)


• My baseball glove (Got it '93 w/ Bobby Bonilla's name in it)


• 6 Pack of Bud Light Tall Boys (If my apartment is going to burn down, I might as well enjoy it with a Tall Boy)


• My old school Pooh Richardson Jersey that i got after i was bitten by my friends dog on the first day of spring break in 7th grade

In preparation for any sort of catastrophe, i will have all these items ready to go... They will be neatly packed before i go to bed, each and every night.

And come on...Who could fault a guy for having a 6 pack On-demand near his bedside???

Its beginning to look alot like...

Well... It is and was that time of the year. The yearly ritual of stuffing our faces with Turkey was quickly pushed aside for the Holiday Glee. As soon as you woke up from your nap, saw the Lions lose and the Raiders crush my heart yet again, your neighborhood store already putting candy canes in the window and annoying Signing Santa trinkets.

What is the rush to get to Christmas? It just means a mad rush to an awkward looking cake.

Stores and business are forcing the general public to accept Christmas earlier and earlier just to fleece Americans from their hard earned $$$$. Editors Note: Please buy your christmas tree next year from Tylers Trees NYC (www.tylerstreesnyc.com). We are a highly professional and skilled laborers dedicated to bringing Holiday Glee.

However, just like most big Holidays, Christmas is alot alot of hype. As a young lad, it is a holiday that parents would leverage and invigorate the fear machine so that kids would do their chores. "Does little billy want a new red bike??? We'll Santa is watching and if you don't power wash the deck, you are going to get coal in your stocking."

Is that fair? Absolutely! And i will milk the holidays for my kids starting in September.

What is not fair, however, is when you get older and you have no hope of good presents. For weeks, my family asked me what i wanted for the Holidays. I really had no idea...

So it came time, Christmas morning and present surrounding the tree. Its sad to say, i had a smile from ear to ear when i opened a box of that contained 12 pairs of adidas socks.

Are socks and underwear what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

I guess... Hand me the power washer... I'll work for a little more excitement next year.

PS- Early Bird Special- Place your Tylers Trees Order now and get a free pair of socks (Offer limited to the first 12 customers)

The Epic Battle: Bathroom Attendants

Editor's Note: I have not posted in quite some time and there is truly no reason other than to say I have been lazy, Entourage started, and Sam Adam's Summer Ale is alot more appetizing than sitting in front of the computer that I already sit in front of all day long attempting to post a blog entry. I shall be better from here on out.... I promise (I don't like Sam Adam's autumn seasonal beer).

Well... I went out to drinks last night with my boss and former co-worker who is moving to Seattle at Dos Caminos last night. Dos Caminos is always a good time that can lead to some trouble. However, after several margaritas, nature was telling me it was time to go to the bathroom.

An thus, the Epic Battle begins...

I first want to pose the question: What is the purpose of the bathroom attendant? Most often, the bathroom is hardly even clean! Isn't you job to clean the bathroom when no one is around? I don't expect there to be an empty Corona above the urinal.

So after finding the most sanitary position to relieve myself, the true conflict begins...

Of course im going to wash my hands, however is washing my hands a non-verbal binding agreement to tip the guy? Why is this such a deserving service that i need to decrease my net worth by $1. I have been washing my hands for 24 years, however i dont reward myself with any monetary compensation, let alone do i feel proud about it. It is routine and expected part of my bathroom regime.

However, how do you avoid the clearly unnecessary tip? If you dont wash your hands, you are simply dirty. If you do wash you hands and bail on the attendant, you are a jerk.

This dilemma is on par with the whole "If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound?" quandary.

Also, when will i be in a position to need the various items that they have out there? I can see gum coming into play often, but do i really need aftershave, cologne or any of that mumb-jumbo? If i went out and didnt put that on, then im an idiot. If im overly self-conscious and require more musk then deport me to central jersey slick back my hair.

Regardless, the bathroom attendant will be a fixture atany trendy place i go. Why cant they just realize that the true service is a) keeping the bathroom clean, b) opening the grimmy nasty door for people.

NOTE: There has been only one bathroom attendant in my life time that has actually earned his tip! He was at the club Body English at the Hard Rock Hotel. This dude stood 10 feet away and threw the paper towels like a frisbee across the bathroom to the sink area. My net worth decreased by $2 on that occassion.

Top 5 Most Devastating Sports Moments

Well... Sports... Its part of my life... and sadly a large part of my life. At a very young age, i realized that my growth disorder was preventing me from being a viable professional athlete. This picture is of me when i peaked in my athletic career... 4th grade... when everyone was short !

Annnnnddddd.... I digress... About three years ago i was at a charity event that had a bunch of big name athletes (Jerry Rice, Robert Horry, Gary Payton, Eddie George, Tony Hawk, etc...) and at the after party, i needed an "in" to talk to all the women at the party. How could i compete with Gary Payton! We'll... i instantly became a triple crown jockey and thus, a legit professional athlete... BOO- YEAH!

Aaaannnnnnnnddddd.... I'm back... For those that know me, i grow anxious about my sports teams. I endure Raider games, celebrate Laker wins & Championships :-), jump for joy when the Dodgers are televised on the east coast, and follow the Maize 'n Blue.

However, with every great win, there are painful sports memories.

Below are my top 5 Most Devastating Sports Moments in my life.

1. The Tuck Rule- It was a fumble. I hate Walt Coleman. Enough said.



2. 5th Grade Basketball - While on the Curtis School A Team, we travelled to JTD (Arch rival) and mid-way through the third quarter, the ref called me for palming the ball on four (4) consecutive plays. I got taken out..........


3. 2005 NBA Finals - The lakers were such a highly favored team I was eagerly anticipating running around Michigan with Laker Championship gear... except... they got run off the court.



4. Circa 1991 - Dodger Stadium - Random Game - As a young lad, my grandmother would take my mom, brother and I to Dodger games. We would sit right next to the Dodger's batter's box. Well... Orel Herschiser began chatting it up with Mama Millman and i couldnt understand why... and now i do. Having Orel Herschiser hit on my mom doesn't sit well with me... or my dad.



5. Appalachian State- I mean, DI-AA... You are Michigan! If you are going to schedule a cupcake, you better win! What makes it even worse, a routine field goal was blocked to win the game. COME ON!

Spontaneous Subway Singing

Well… Last week, while on the 4 train en route back from the Yankee Game heading to casa de Heller/Millman, an interesting and provocative question was posed: What song will have the greatest chance of provoking the entire subway car to sing?

Is this some weird sociology experiment? Did I pay attention in that class in college enough to know if sociology was the area of applicable study to find the answer to my previous question? I did take sociology 101 freshmen year, so i was probably motivated to learn and didn't realize the social distractions all around me... However, i did have class with Garret Rivas "The Show" and Jake Long, so it couldn't have been tremendously hard.

Then i thought... What songs can I reference and recite at ease???

• Randy Newman - “I Love LA”


• Aladdin Soundtrack – “A Whole New World”


• Sublime – “What I Got”

All very good songs, but very niche… Then i thought... What factors would contribute to a successful spontaneous subway sing session (notice the consonance):

• Does Age play a roll in this (Yellow Submarine by the Beatles vs Get Low by Lil Jon)?



• Does geographic location matter (NY vs Boston vs LA)?

However, the answer dawned on us… The Number One song to spur spontaneous singing on a subway isssssssssssssssssss……………… Happy Birthday!

And thus, some random dude wearing a Mickey Mantle T-Shirt jersey was serenaded by an entire subway.

However, the question has altered… What is the 2nd most likely song that will be the catalysts for spontaneous singing on a subway car???

I think the front runner is: Coolio – “Gansta’s Paradise”...

However, what are your thoughts? Post your suggestions in the comments.