If I had a Bar...

Warning… the first little bit tends to be a little thicker than the ending…

Well… Last weekend, it was a blitz of birthday parties. And with any birthday party, the birthday guy/girl/person/people generally does a comprehensive search for a location that has the best drink specials. Drink specials imply drinking; drinking implies drunk; drunk implies a greater chance of stupidity… for good and for bad.

At one of the bars I attended, I chose to swim up river, against the current and ordered a Red Bull instead of an alcoholic alternative. The bar tender first hesitated and asked “Red Bull and what?”… I respond with “Red Bull and Ice, please.” With a confused look the bar tender served me up a red bull + ice in a tiny little glass. A quick scan of the room made me realize that I was the only person with a tiny little glass. After the red bull + ice, I ordered another drink: water. Again, a tiny little class.

It was apparent that non-alcoholic drinks have different glasses than alcoholic ones. For a myriad of reasons this is baffling.

Is the small tiny cup equivalent to the Scarlet Letter? (Yes, I read that book... Yes, I was one male vs 14 females in the class. Yes, 100% of males in the class disliked the book) Does someone deserve to be singled out simply by not-drinking? Has the social norm shifted so violently, that someone who doesn’t drink is immediately out casted? This isn’t the first time where a bar has treated a non-drinker differently. I have seen bartenders in Vegas chastise and ridicule someone who ordered soda instead of alcohol… Who knows… That person may have a history of alcohol dependency in their family.

(In a Rodney King/LA riots voice voice) Can we just all drink from the same kind of cup???

DONE- That was my societal rant…

Well… At some point, everyone has either had the conversation of “If I were a teacher, I would be the coolest teacher ever” or “If I owned a bar, it would be the sickest (Editor’s Note: unsure if I have ever used “sickest” in this context) bar ever!”

The establishment would evoke my past and present in every detail. No, No… it wouldn’t have Raiders flags all over the place… just a discount for any patron that can name the three other runners that were on James Jett’s Gold Medal 4x100 Olympic relay team.

Here is some more info:

• Name: 16-Twenty (Throw back to the good ole fraternity house in college)
• Location: Lower East Side (NY), Inside the Loop (Chicago), Venice (LA)
• Menu- ALL APPETIZERS & FINGER FOODS
• Pigs in a Blanket w three different dipping sauces
• Sliders
• Chips + Guac
• Mini Crab Cakes
• Dumplings (Provided by Schulweis’ restaurant)
• Shark Bites
• Personal Sized Bundt Cakes
• Peanuts (you will 100% be allowed AND encouraged to throw the shells on the ground)
• Atmosphere- Any bar of mine would have outdoor space with water misters in the summer.
• Gimmicks
• Any one that recreates Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump giving Lt Dan ice cream will get 5% off.

• Every night at midnight, Hail to the Victors will play.
• Fox Sports West/PrimeTicket will have a dedicated TV showing SoCal sports.

That is my vision… Chill + relaxed + fun. AND NO BATHROOM ATTENDANT!

Joy to the Condiment

Well... Let's be honest, as we order food, the typical person doesnt place enough emphasis on the choice of supporting condiment. The condiment can make or break a meal.

The choice is essentially no different that choice we make every time you go out in the winter (not applicable in LA): is it cold enough for a jacket? If you bring a jacket, do i check it at the bar? Am i going to hold it all night? Do i really want a side of sweet and sour sauce? Is that jar of sweet and sour sauce cluttering the table too much thus reducing the opportunity of having a pitcher of beer or water and diminishing the any chance of proper hydration.

It's a big choice and many restaurants realized the growing importance to made condiments a profit center. No longer can you go to McDonalds or Burger King and get 3 BBQ sauces, 2 Honeys, 4 Ranches, and 1 Sweet & Sour packets. They'll charge you and won't think twice about it.

So this begs the question... what is the best condiment?

• Ranch- I think this is essentially the most versatile. It can go with anything and easily go with more if people expand their comfort zone. I've done ranch with breaded chicken & spaghetti and it was quiet good.



• Honey Mustard- A good honey mustard is one with a little spice. Best Honey Mustard to Date: Todaro Bro's & Maize 'n Blue Deli. The Honey Mustard kicks in towards the end of the bite and doesn't overwhelm the fundamental ingredients.



• BBQ Sauce- This has a more narrow application but i feel like it was a pioneer in the condiment expansion era so it deserves to be listed.

However, i think there needs to be proper attention towards those that support condiments.

• Young Greg Heller- While manning his desk at Mr Deutsche's Bank, he also is known for his condiment drawer which is fully stocked at all times.



• Mike Nicoll- Will put ketchup on everything... including and not limited to cheerios, oranges, & salad.



• Mitchell Daar- Has been known to put crushed red peppers (maybe considered a spice) on everything.



• Tyler Kupper- Not only orders three additional side of thousand island, but takes it the next step and manufactures his own during dire times.

Regardless, i think its about time that the condiment lobby steps up its efforts in making the condiment category a proper part of the food pyramid.

I'm sure this will spur more discussion, feel free to post in the comments section.