Summer Schvitzing: A Guide for Summer Survival

Well… it’s Summer.

Summer = Sunshine.

Sunshine = Heat.

Heat = Sweat.

It doesn’t matter who you are (unless you are Roger Federer) you will perspire when the mercury hits 100 degrees. Some more than others, but that’s life.

Just because it’s going to be a 100+ degree day doesn’t mean you give up! Drawing from the highly motivational speech in the movie Independence Day (“We will not go quietly into the night, we will not Vanish without a Fight!”) there are ways to combat the summer temperatures.

Personal Changes

• Attire- It would be silly to wear a fur coat in the summer, but why is this thought process only applied to the extreme weather conditions? During heat waves, wear a dry-fit golf shirt. Still business appropriate yet it increases your overall breathability.
• Undershirts- It boils down to this simple equation: 2 > 1 . Undershirts are good. But you may think “But two layers is hotter than one!” Well, yes. But if you concede and accept that you will be a hot mess, then two layers is harder to show your grossness than one.
• Start Cold- Rather than nuking yourself and your apartment by taking a piping hot shower, go with a cold shower. Benefits:
• 1- Core body temperature will start lower
• 2- A warm shower will heat the apartment

• 3- You aren’t killing baby seals…. I mean, you are using less energy.
• Summer Hair Cuts-
• Boys = Buzz cut
• Girls = ? (not my area of expertise)

Environment

A major component of your ability to cope with the heat, is understanding your environment and adjusting from there.

• Find the source of coolness
• Subways- the AC in NYC subways are uncredible (unblievable + incredible). NYC Subway’s AC is the Robert Horry of ACs. Not appreciated, very reliable, clutch in the heat (pun intended) and a proven winner. The AC is spewed from the center of the ceiling. Positioning yourself as close to there as possible.

• Metro-North (NYC)- the AC comes from the ceiling but is pointed towards the window so the slanted ceiling pushes the cold air to the edge of the car. Sit in the Window Seat!
• Transportation
• Walk vs Other

• Walking in 100 degree heat is the equivalent of jumping into a shark tank after bathing in chum for several hours. Sometimes, it is a necessity though.
• Know your route- If you have to walk, take main streets and plot a course with as many major stores and grocery stores as possible.
• Major Stores (Best Buy, Bloomingdales, radio shack) pay a premium on massive AC units. When you walk past their door, you are hit with a blast of coolness. NOTE: The best is the DSW Shoes in Union Sq.
• Grocery Stores- Climb into the frozen food freezers and relax for a hot second. It will feel glorious
• Local vs Express Train
• The more time you are with Robert Horry (NYC Subway AC) the better. Defer to local train in ALL occasions.

• Other
• “If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!” Very smart quote. Order in your food.

The only other option is to move to LA where always awesome weather.

If I had a Bar...

Warning… the first little bit tends to be a little thicker than the ending…

Well… Last weekend, it was a blitz of birthday parties. And with any birthday party, the birthday guy/girl/person/people generally does a comprehensive search for a location that has the best drink specials. Drink specials imply drinking; drinking implies drunk; drunk implies a greater chance of stupidity… for good and for bad.

At one of the bars I attended, I chose to swim up river, against the current and ordered a Red Bull instead of an alcoholic alternative. The bar tender first hesitated and asked “Red Bull and what?”… I respond with “Red Bull and Ice, please.” With a confused look the bar tender served me up a red bull + ice in a tiny little glass. A quick scan of the room made me realize that I was the only person with a tiny little glass. After the red bull + ice, I ordered another drink: water. Again, a tiny little class.

It was apparent that non-alcoholic drinks have different glasses than alcoholic ones. For a myriad of reasons this is baffling.

Is the small tiny cup equivalent to the Scarlet Letter? (Yes, I read that book... Yes, I was one male vs 14 females in the class. Yes, 100% of males in the class disliked the book) Does someone deserve to be singled out simply by not-drinking? Has the social norm shifted so violently, that someone who doesn’t drink is immediately out casted? This isn’t the first time where a bar has treated a non-drinker differently. I have seen bartenders in Vegas chastise and ridicule someone who ordered soda instead of alcohol… Who knows… That person may have a history of alcohol dependency in their family.

(In a Rodney King/LA riots voice voice) Can we just all drink from the same kind of cup???

DONE- That was my societal rant…

Well… At some point, everyone has either had the conversation of “If I were a teacher, I would be the coolest teacher ever” or “If I owned a bar, it would be the sickest (Editor’s Note: unsure if I have ever used “sickest” in this context) bar ever!”

The establishment would evoke my past and present in every detail. No, No… it wouldn’t have Raiders flags all over the place… just a discount for any patron that can name the three other runners that were on James Jett’s Gold Medal 4x100 Olympic relay team.

Here is some more info:

• Name: 16-Twenty (Throw back to the good ole fraternity house in college)
• Location: Lower East Side (NY), Inside the Loop (Chicago), Venice (LA)
• Menu- ALL APPETIZERS & FINGER FOODS
• Pigs in a Blanket w three different dipping sauces
• Sliders
• Chips + Guac
• Mini Crab Cakes
• Dumplings (Provided by Schulweis’ restaurant)
• Shark Bites
• Personal Sized Bundt Cakes
• Peanuts (you will 100% be allowed AND encouraged to throw the shells on the ground)
• Atmosphere- Any bar of mine would have outdoor space with water misters in the summer.
• Gimmicks
• Any one that recreates Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump giving Lt Dan ice cream will get 5% off.

• Every night at midnight, Hail to the Victors will play.
• Fox Sports West/PrimeTicket will have a dedicated TV showing SoCal sports.

That is my vision… Chill + relaxed + fun. AND NO BATHROOM ATTENDANT!

Fire Alarm... Grab What?

Well... Last night at the convenient time of 4:30 am, i heard the intrusive sound of a fire alarm. I quickly (as quick as possible in a sleep induced haze) computed the chances that it was actually my building and the answer was Zero percent. Two minutes later, young gregory knocked on my bedroom door and said "Dude, do you not hear our fire alarm?" and my response 'Uh? I thought it was the building next door." (Editors note: the building next door is actually a fire station, so if their fire alarm was going off, then the entire block would be in trouble... Thus, I still should have evacuated and the fact i didn't do anything was on the less intelligent side of things).






So in my early AM quickness, i had to figure out A) is my building on fire, B) check my phone to see if the Lakers won, C) determine what i should be bringing with me if the building was on fire.

So i brought: My computer, My Passports (US and Swiss), and my Yankee Tickets.

So on the train ride in this AM, i actually really thought about it... if i had to run out of my apartment and could only carry a couple of things, what would i bring...


Here is my list in addition to the three previously mentioned items:

• My authentic Michigan Helmet (i would leave the building wearing it - in case stuff is going to fall on me)


• Favorite pair of Roots sweatpants (They will be my go to sweatpants until i'm 75)


• My head & back scratcher (even if the apartment burns down, i will definitely need my head & back attended to)


• My baseball glove (Got it '93 w/ Bobby Bonilla's name in it)


• 6 Pack of Bud Light Tall Boys (If my apartment is going to burn down, I might as well enjoy it with a Tall Boy)


• My old school Pooh Richardson Jersey that i got after i was bitten by my friends dog on the first day of spring break in 7th grade

In preparation for any sort of catastrophe, i will have all these items ready to go... They will be neatly packed before i go to bed, each and every night.

And come on...Who could fault a guy for having a 6 pack On-demand near his bedside???